The Safest Place

A friend wrote on her blog recently about risk. It's something I've been mulling over too lately, as I get closer and closer to Ms. B's delivery. There's always been risk involved in this pregnancy. Being "high risk", and what that really means and all it entails. Going back to the early days, and the fears we had over the risk of miscarriage. And going back even further than that, to some very dark days - the risks we took to become parents and the long road it took us down.

I'm listening to Geoerge Strait's "I Saw God Today" at the moment. I'm not a cryer, but it makes me tear up every time I listen to it now. Do I *get* that miracle a little more now?

I find that as I move closer and closer to the fulfillment of this dream of mine, I am becoming calmer. Perhaps more accepting of those unknown risks? More trusting that everything will work out exactly as it should. As I learned at last week's OB appointment, this belief in myself drove my doctor a little nuts.

Yup, we were back to arguing about the birth plan. Poor guy - I can see his point. He's a high risk OB. He's trained to see every possible disaster and plan for it. But he's not trained to see something from anyone else's point of view.

He says I need to "trust him".

So, then we come to a complete standstill - who do I trust? Do I trust myself, my body, my feelings, my education? Or this guy who is very educated and has MD behind his name? The desicions are hard when you know the OB really isn't a bad guy, and really believes in what he's telling you - that HIS plan is the best for you and your baby, and what do you know because you've never really done this before anyway?

The things I am NOT sure of, the risks that bother me, center around these questions I never seem to find the answer to. When do I let go of control and let others help me? When is it better for me to push for what I believe to be BEST for me and my baby, even if they may be unconventional?

I do believe in myself. I believe in my body's abilities, not its disabilities. I believe I deserve a smooth, easy, uncomplicated birth. (Thank you, Hypnobabies.)

In one of the Hypnobabies cd's, you create a "special safe place" that you go to help your relaxation, and you use it in pretty much all the hypnosis sessions. My safe place is a real spot, and one I go to daily - my little girl's room. I sit in the big comfy rocker, and just look around at her special space. The pretty blue walls, the painting her artist grandpa painted for her on the wall, the crib with her pretty birdie sheets all ready for her little head, the infant carrier in the corner.

How this could all turn out is such a big unknown. Birth, parenthood, life with baby in general. No gauruntees about any of it. I'm jumping into the abyss.

Right in the center of that risk is where I am in perfect happiness. In my baby's room, surrounded by reminders of the scary unknown, about the possibilities of imperfections, of the whirlwind around me and the battle for what is right for my baby, is the great irony. It's the place where I feel the safest.