d news

So.. more odds and ends, it seems. Maybe that is just how my head is working these days.

We had a very long set of appointments about a week ago. Endo, OB, ultrasound, doula... I figure if you gotta drive as far as we do, you might as well pack it all in.

First the exciting things:

We are having a baby girl!

I'm totally psyched. I'm thrilled for frills and ruffles and girly clothes and a pretty birdie themed nursery (Thanks, pottery barn kids, for that new obsession). I love knowing that she's a she - she has a name, a little identity.

Even better - everything looks good, healthy, and normal. We saw five fingers, tiny toes, healthy kidneys, and a beautiful, four-chambered pumping heart. Next week we have a more detailed fetal echocardiogram that will take a closer look at her heart, and I'll keep my fingers crossed til then. But right now, she's a perfect teeny 9 ounces with the cutest little upturned nose. She's absolutely gorgeous.

And now confusing things -

During my endo appointment, I got some news I never expected to hear. "I wouldn't mind seeing your A1C a little higher," my doctor said thoughtfully.

Uh...... WHAT?

I mean, don't you want the lowest A1C possible? Hasn't that been what you've been telling me from day one? That if my A1C is in the "basically normal" range, my daughter has less likelihood of having congenital heart problems, malformations, kidney problems, being too big, or having blood sugar problems of her own after birth.. right?

And didn't I work my ass off for that 5.9 number?

My doctor explained that now that I was in my second trimester, all my baby's vital organs are formed. And things look good. Therefor, they are less concerned with malformations now. Now I get ultrasounds every two weeks, basically to carefully monitor the baby's size to make sure she's not getting too big. And, according to my doc, that is unlikely as long as my A1C stays under 6.6. "So you have some wiggle room," he said. And, although most type 1's are plagued with lows their first trimester, I had to be the odd ball, naturally. My insulin needs went up, up, up my first trimester and I fought a lot of highs. Now, in my second trimester, when hormones from the placenta normally set in to cause insulin resistance, I seem to be spending a lot of my time stuffing my face trying to get out of the 60's. So basically my doctor see it as a safety issue - if I can increase my numbers ever so slightly, I can still protect my baby without worrying about things like car accidents, or falling down stairs. Still, with a disease where all you ever hear is "lower! lower! lower!" I had a hard time wrapping my brain around this.

One the plus side, my doc did call my a "model patient". Yay! I'm a person who really relies on positive feedback, so after weeks of logging, logging, logging, and only ever hearing "yup, you're doing fine" - this was very important in motivating me to just keep on keeping on.

In other pregnancy notes -

I think I've entered that awkward pregnancy stage where it's a little hard to feel good about yourself. I don't care about the increasing numbers on the scale. I just want to be like all my pregnant friends- cute, skinny everywhere but their taut little bellies, and obviously, well, pregnant. Instead, my boobs each have their own zipcodes, and my growing belly could honestly be mistaken for a beer gut. I'm halfway through my pregnancy, and most people don't realize I'm pregnant. And yes, this is all pure vanity. I completely recognize that.

And while I'm whining, can I take a moment to complain about maternity clothes? You drop a friggin fortune on clothes you have to have because you can't fit into anything else and you are tired of wearing sweats, and you want, need to look and feel pretty again. Maternity clothes are expensive, you wear them for 6 months, and they are made RIDICULOUSLY cheaply. Pilling and stretching after one wash? Are you flippin kinnding me???? ok, rant over.

I still don't feel like I have any right to complain about ANYTHING. I have exactly what I have always wanted. All in all, I love being pregnant. I love feeling my baby kick. I love preparing for her arrival. And I am willing to wear a paper bag for 9 months if that's what it takes. Beating down that vain streak in me has been a little tough, though. Combating it relies heavily on listening to a "positive pregnancy affirmations" CD a friend loaned me. It's basically just positive statements you repeat to yourself to remove your negative mindtalk. Sounds like a lot of new-agey mumbo jumbo, but I find statements like "My pregnant body is radiantly beautiful" pretty helpful certain days. My other favorite statement on the CD is "My body is in perfect health - for me and my baby." It's hard to describe in writing, but there is a very important pause in the statement - "My body is in perfect health - FOR ME." My body may not be PERFECT, but THIS is what "perfect health" looks like for me, in this situation right here and now. And perfect health is not the same for me as it is for anyone else. I find that statement so empowering.